The Arsenal Rumor Mill Roundup: Week 1

Now that you’ve calmed down from Sunday’s hilariously heart-warming festivities — tears of laughter for Spurs and tears of joy for Tomas Rosicky and Mikel Arteta — that means we’re officially well-cemented in silly season. For many years, this meant months of hopeful pleading for Arsenal and manager Arsene Wenger to reload the North London side. Come September, fans alike would unify in the minimal movement, disappointed in light of teams like Manchester City and Chelsea spending from seemed like an unlimited wallet.

Then, in three consecutive years: Mesut Ozil, Alexis Sanchez, and Petr Cech — bingo. Sanchez enjoyed a wonderful 2015 season and helped Arsenal to back-to-back FA Cups, Cech recently became the newest winner of England’s Golden Glove, and Ozil came one assist shy of tying Thierry Henry’s league record of 20 in a campaign.

And yet, for most, even this second place finale seems a bit empty despite coming at Spurs’ despair. What went wrong? Although they came out victorious against newly-crowned Leicester City on both occassions in 2015-2016, Arsenal stumbled against Sunderland, Crystal Palace, and Norwich City down the stretch as they were in serious danger of dropping out of Champions League contention.

Along with it came the cries of #WengerOut and half-hearted protests — but Wenger has now publicly said the club will look to add two or three new players. Of course, Wenger is hardly ever this candid, so with that in mind, it’s time to dive head first into another summer of rumors, exclusives, and guarantees — what should you believe?

Each week, we’ll count down our favorite five new or continuing rumors, break down the source (or lack thereof), and decide whether or not this is a feasible move before you get emotionally connected.

5. Romelu Lukaku, Everton:

Ah, it’s nice for the never-ending Romelu rumors to resurface immediately after the season — how unpredictable! With the European Championships quickly approaching, many players, including another on our list, are looking to settle their next club setting before the massive tournament.

Why brothers, fathers, and random family members of athletes continue to give the media their garbage fodder is beyond me — and the Lukaku family is particularly grandiose about this — but you can forget this suggestion here and now. Surely, Roger is an (un)subtle participant in the timeless act of driving demand up — however, is anyone crazy enough to pony up $65 million for the Everton man?

Manchester United, perhaps, but not Wenger.

Rating: The same odds that Lukas Podolski takes a day off from tweeting: 0/10

4. Theo Walcott, Arsenal:

Depending on your level of cynicism, these rumors are a long time coming — but, if you’re a realist, you probably know that the chances of Wenger letting go a long-time pet project are slim-to-none. Unless, of course, Walcott is demanding more playing time, wages, or whatever it may be this time, perhaps a move could be beneficially mutual.

Last month, there were plenty of Walcott to West Ham rumors, but, most importantly, they seemed reasonable. Certainly, they were surrounded by happenstance, however, it’s tough to ignore how much a West Ham move would make sense. A new stadium for the Hammers begs for an English star to open it up and with the homegrown rules inflating the price, it may behoove Wenger to keep him in the country.

Obviously, Wenger wouldn’t sell Walcott to Spurs, City, United, or Chelsea, which would basically leave Liverpool or West Ham as the big spenders that would fork up a small treasure for the inconsistent winger. Finally, let’s not forget that Wenger just lost Danny Welbeck for most of 2016-2017 already as well, further dampening this rumor’s legitimacy.

YAMA wouldn’t count on moving Walcott, but this summer seems more feasible than most.

Rating: The amount of goals Olivier Giroud scored last weekend instead of Walcott: 3/10

3. Kieran Tierney, Celtic:

Welcome to this week’s edition of the-relatively-unknown-player-getting-hype-to-Arsenal train! This week, we welcome Kieran Tierney, a left back from Celtic that would, theoretically, replace current backup Kieran Gibbs. Allegedly, Gibbs is ready for every day, first-time football — and who could blame him? However, none of that has come in the press or after a bad game, in fact, Gibbs has been a consummate professional, much unlike that other right back backup that ended up in France to end the season.

As we know, Wenger isn’t the type of manager to force a player out unless they’d like a move. At this point, it’s safe to assume that Gibbs will continue to fight for his place in the first team, just like everybody else. However, Tierney is an intriguing prospect and would fit in well with the current makeup and philosophy — but don’t lose sleep over this one.

Rating: The same odds that Aaron Ramsey will not sky at least one attempt way over the crossbar: 4/10

2. Wojciech Szczesny, Arsenal:

Listen, whether or not you believe that Wojciech Szczesny is destined to become Arsenal’s starting keeper, we can all agree that he’s a proper Gooner and parting ways this summer would be unfortunate. As YAMA wrote in our Keep, Sell, and Loan piece, if Szczesny wants to stay on loan until he can come back, learn from Petr Cech, and then eventually take over — why would anyone deny that?

When Szczesny is on his game, he’s unbeatable — unfortunately, those games come anchored between strange, mistake-prone outings, but he’s still only 26 years-old. Arsenal’s high-price tag simply represents that: they’re more than willing to keep Szczesny on loan, but if another club wants to overpay for the keeper, then so be it.

At this time, we’d say it’s incredibly unlikely that Szczesny will move permanently away from the club, but we’ll keep our eyes on this if it progresses.

Rating: The same odds that next year, finally, is Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s breakout season: 4/10

1. Granit Xhaka, Borussia Monchengladbach:

Go ahead and pick any source you please for this one, since the Granit Xhaka move to Arsenal seems well on its way. While you can’t trust anyone these days, Gladbach’s Sporting Director has finally confirmed that the club has received an offer for the Swiss midfielder. Given his send off from Gladbach in last weekend’s season finale — standing ovation, exit interview, and cryptic language included — it would seem as if he’s on the move to England.

Now, as a rule of thumb, never, ever believe a rumor, no matter how legitimate the source, until Arsenal themselves tweet out: #WelcomeXhaka. All that’s left now is to pray that the Englishside bringing him over is Arsenal instead of Manchester City.

Rating: The same odds that Mathieu Flamini will save the planet, become a multi-billionaire, and then be the sugar daddy that Arsenal have always sought after: 10/10