Ah, the transfer window. That maddening time of the season when all rationale thought or practical discussion gets thrown out the. . . window. And nowadays with the advent and prevalence of social media the transfer window has become nothing short of the most aggravating time of the season.
I yearn for the yesteryears of reading rumours in the papers and discussing them with friends but nothing as expansive as what the 24-hour news cycle and social media have wrought on us. No, now in the moment it takes you to get up pick up a remote and switch channels on your TV, a supposed rumour can take hold and go through 90 iterations.
So how do you get through it? You could do as some like to do and is a particular favourite of my own – you sit in a corner, insert fingers into your ears, lightly rock back and forth bellowing a monotone “They’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa!! They’re coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they’recoming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!.”
Problem is that after two days your family members are likely to really call the men in white suits and they’ll take definitely you away. .
No, there has to be a way through the hysterics and everyone has their own little way of handling it. These are my general rules for safely navigating the transfer window:
Have lifesavers handy. Their fruity flavor and floatation like shape are just enough goodness to save you from drowning in the yo-yo emotions you’ll go through every day in transfer window
Make sure you have plenty of your favorite alcohol on hand. For me it’s Oban 12 year old. I pick the 12 year old because it’s cheaper to replace than my favored 18 year old. You will go through a lot of alcohol so make sure there is plenty on hand or that the local liquor store is within at least 10 mins from your home
Memorize these phrases to the point that you become number seeing them, saying them and hearing them
“I won’t believe it till I see him holding up a shirt.” – The more sensible phrase out there but its spouted so often it will grate the nerves.
“That can’t be true, so-in-so (insert name) said this morning he was coming here and he’s never wrong.” – Ah yes, with the birth of twitter came the inevitable afterbirth (thank you Mel Brooks) of the transfer ITK.
“He must be crap, he’s never scored in the Premier League.” – ah the increasing rationale behind why we shouldn’t sign someone. Usually comes from those who’s exposure to players outside the EPL mostly comes from FIFA games or Football Manager series.
“I”ll believe twitter before I believe a journalist in a paper.” – All I can say is yea, because twitter has proved so reliable before
“So-in-so was seen at [insert name of any London airport] airport, he must be signing for us.” – another twitter-related trend that is as certain as death and taxes these days. As a rumour increases in veracity reported sightings pop up ad nauseum. Particularly potent when accompanied by photoshopped or dated picture (like when player may have been coming through with their current team for another match a few years previous)
“So-in-so has sold their home (or put up for sale) they must be coming.” – similar in annoyance as the previous sighting statements and only second to them in their twitter prevalence
You’ll know it’s true when Wenger out and out denies it. It’s a maxim that has actually been held up and proved the last few seasons over. Think Nasri, Cesc or Arteta and Poldi. They were all denied – they all happened
Trust the source? There are a few reputable journalists and even a few on twitter who I firmly believe have their pulse on Arsenal. Others are out there just trying to make a name for themselves. Take it with a with a grain of salt (added to tequila is better) who says what – I can tell you first hand how easy it is to get sucked in and believe something that isn’t quite right.
Be wary of any fool who when quizzed doesn’t really understand how the transfer window works – and trust me there are plenty
Have tissues handy. You will cry a lot – we are Arsenal supporters after all.
Have duct tape handy. You’ll need it after you throw something through the screen of your monitor and/or TV.
Have a helmet nearby. When your significant other wants attention but you are too fixated on hitting the refresh button because your team hasn’t announced a signing – something will be coming at your head and it won’t be pleasant. Better be prepare, and
Breathe – you’ll have to do it all over again tomorrow!
The transfer window officially sucks. Its excruciating painful and frankly its fraught with so many uncertainties that you can really never make sense of it all.
Take for instance the never ending linkage to Gonzalo Higuain. Now, personally with so many stories out there, I am fairly comfortable in the fact that he is a legitimate target. Smoke meet fire. But in the interest of being the one with stories we had 3 different stories in 3 different papers talking of deals that had been agreed to by the player and Arsenal. On the surface not that bad but when you read it they had weekly wages of £115k, £120k, and £130k. Do I hear £200k?
Then in a week when the linkage between the two clubs was greatest (this week), Friday comes and suddenly Juventus are back in another story says Madrid’s president has sanctioned the £22million move and a twitter ITK comes out and says now Napoli is in the frame. Madness I tell you.
In the end all you can really do is that if there is a transfer rumour that gets you all in a tizzy with either excitement, nervousness, anger and/or the feeling of impending vomit: sit down, take a deep breath, count to 10 and walk away from the computer. Trust me, it’s for the best.
