What Arsene Did This Summer or Arsenal at a Glance

And Ahbooooehhhh Shall Lead Them to the Promised Land

Written by: CaribKid

UHMMMMMMM!

Let’s see what we have going on at Arsenal this pre-season.

Out: Senderos (free), Eduardo (£6M), Gallas (free), Silvestre (free), Luke Ayling  (free) Francis Merida (free)

In:  Chamakh (free), Koz (£8.5M)

Maybe Returning: Campbell

Current Injuries: Ramsey, Bendtner, Denilson

Returning Wounded: Djourou

If we lose Campbell along with Gallas and Silvestre we will have lost over 100 years of playing experience. Throw in Dudu and Almunia to that list and we would be in the 170 year range of losses. This would probably make us the youngest ever EPL squad with no players over 30.

 The only player who has ever won anything major then would be Cesc, who played a minor role in the WC, albeit probably securing the Oscar for “Best Supporting Soccer Actor”. Our squad will also include 3 players who are union activists and may agitate work stoppages if Arsene doesn’t deploy them in their desired roles.

Up front we will be led by Mr. Fragile (RvP), EPL debutante (Chamakh), who apparently was forced to use Amunia’s hairdresser as a rites of rookie passage, and  the father to be of a son ensconced in Danish royalty ( the mother being an old Danish baroness), none other than Real Madrid bound Nicolas Bendtner (a legend in his own mind). This will also be bolstered by Mr. Chip, Carlos Vela, a handsome young Mexican lad brimming with unfulfilled potential but very little to show for it at club level.

Our midfield will boast a slew of young and not so young, technically gifted, non aerial  midgets, bolstered by the peaceful gargantuan, Ras Song and the Viera lookalike but not playalike, Abou Diaby.  The £12M pre-pubescent signing (Messeur Walcott, Esq.) will attempt to not break any more shoulders and not run into blind alleys and ultimately becoming the next British media darling  so he can screw his teammates’ wives and girlfriends and be elected national captain.

At the back, Arsenal will field their smallest and shortest ever line up with union activist and nominee for “Worst Hair Style Of The Century, Bacary Sagna and Calamity Clichey , both being 5’ 8” or less, as the bookends to the 5’ 11” Terminator (TV) and our other EPL debutante, the wiry, Franco/Polish Terminatee (Koscielny), who will hopefully add some weight and strength on his new diet of fish and chips.

In goal? Who gives a shit if they keep the metro sexual oaf, Almunia or the infinitely gifted but nervous Pole, Flapping Fabianski out of there.  Here’s to Arsene getting drunk one evening on non-alcoholic beer and getting a vision to either start our other young Polish GK (he who does not have a vowel in his name)  or actually buying a true, tried and tested option for once.

At the helm we are led by a 23 year old with Barca DNA who may well be off to the sunny climes of Catalonia next season, where he will not only represent the colors of their club, but also the nation of Catalonia when they secede from Spain. Leadership will also be inspired by our unparalleled cast of veterans, including the male model and fashion designer (AA), union activist Bacary Sagna, the esteemed Verminator  (TV), and the oft injured Maestros, (TS and RvP). Such exceptional leaders can only serve to place us in line for a slew of wins this season so we can add something besides the Emirates Cup to our new trophy case.

I would absolutely love to hear your sane and rational opinions in response to this highly thought out and reasoned labor of love.

BTW       DID I SAY TONGUE IN CHEEK?